My Story

I started classes in a classical studio on equipment. I could barely move, and my teacher could only do breathwork with me. I was locked in fear of pain but slowly she got me moving - pain free. She was in her 70s and had the body of a ballet dancer and moved like a swan. She had severe scoliosis and discovered Pilates to prevent her becoming a hunchback. I simply became hooked on Pilates. I came off all the pain meds and could move without pain. She encouraged me to be a Pilates teacher.

I chose to go to London and train at one of the best international schools - Polestar.

Polestar is renowned for its foundation in movement science and rehabilitation.

I graduated in February 2025. This was not an easy achievement. I realised I had never had good mobility. I never played as a child, never went to school so had never sat cross legged or played sports. When I did go to school aged 15, the other kids laughed at me as I didn't understand team games, couldn't run, couldn't ride a bike, do a handstand or throw a ball. I avoided all sports due to bullying and being teased.

Pilates has bought me mobility I never knew I had. I'm still practising to be stronger and fitter. I have decades of damage to my body to work on, but it won't stop practising and trying. I still can't do a handstand, but I know all achieve this one day!

I love movement now and explore other forms including Feldenkrais and trauma informed somatic yoga.

Movement is medicine!

Alcohol

My first alcohol was with foster parents aged 16. I found a glass of port and lemonade and for the first time in my life ‘felt peace’. Wow, this is incredible - my pain was gone. I hated the taste but quickly found ways to make it palatable and it was acceptable and widely available.

I spent almost all my life drinking to regulate my nervous system and have had many visits to A&E from falls/injuries or simply too drunk to remember, along with numerous unpleasant encounters with men!

Finally in 2019 I was prosecuted for ‘failure to provide a specimen breath’ - drink driving - I was in a cell for 10 hours and knew after decades of trying to moderate I had to stop. I had tried to stop many times before, visiting AA meetings, Aquarius and talking therapies which had all failed. I'm embarked on a 30 day programme called ‘The Alcohol Experiment’ by author Annie Grace. (audio link) I listened to her and started to realise I was never going to get better if I continued to drink. After 30 days of her free ‘the naked mind’ I was finally free from the horrible crutch of alcohol addiction. I don't crave or miss it. Alcohol was never a friend and wow, my life is so much better without it!

Prescription Drugs

I was medicated by my mum from birth so it was no surprise I quickly came to depend on tablets. I was given benzodiazepine's and amphetamines from childhood, As soon as I had back pain as a student nurse I was put on regular codeine. I only ever went to the GP for help and soon was always needing my repeat prescription and riddled with health anxiety. My drug of choice was always benzodiazepine's - it numbed the emotional pain like alcohol. I remembered a consultant neurologist starting me on 5MG diazepam three times a day for life for neck pain. I was soon taking far more.

I studied pharmacology and knew all the drugs. I wanted to fix my pains. In the end I was on a list of oramorph, diazepam, co-codamol, naproxen, sertraline, duloxetine, gabapentin, tramadol, temazepam, zopiclone and all washed down with alcohol.

Following my alcohol withdrawal using ’The Naked Mind’ programme I realised my mind wasn't naked. I was full of drugs and now wanted to be off them all. It took a year to become drug free.

A book that changed my life was ‘The Pain Free Mindset’ by Dr Deepak Ravindran.

I quickly learned why the drugs weren't working and had no benefits to me. I don't take any medication now, but I am human and of course I still get pain. Now my tools to remaining drug free are movement and anti inflammatory foods.

Food Addiction

I was starved as a baby and child. I remember at the age of approximately 18 months a door getting ‘kicked in by the police’. Mum had obviously left me in a room, I had empty milk bottles and a very dirty nappy. I still remember the hunger. When we lived in the caravan mum would disappear for days, so I lived on crab apples and earthworms. There was only food when mum's ‘clients’ visited and gave her money for sex. Egg and chips was the best meal I ever had.

Fast forward to my mum dying when I was 15, I quickly got a job in a local pub helping in the kitchen. I was surrounded by food and had my own money to buy it. I started bingeing and quickly developed bulimia nervosa. The vomiting/purging was a way of self-soothing the guilt from bingeing. I suffered hours of diarrhoea from laxative abuse. My weight was never stable and I used vomiting/laxatives as a way of weight control for decades. As soon as I was making money in nursing I finally ballooned to 20 stone. I was disgusted at myself and started abusing slimming tablets which back then were pure amphetamines - from my GP!

I lost 10 stone in 1998 and even though I was slim was still vomiting and taking laxatives. I would starve to allow calories from alcohol I was obsessed with diets. Along came the skinny jabs and all my wages were spent on these along with alcohol.

I finally overcome my food addiction following a retreat in Cyprus. Pilates and movement had given me a connection to my gut. After a week of organic vegan food I found I couldn't eat the same ever again. I was feeling sick with ready meals and even shop bought bread. I ate when hungry and turned my nose up at meat and processed foods. I had become an instinctive eater also known as intuitive eating. Movement had awakened my natural ability to know what my body needs and what it doesn't.

I now eat to live/fast naturally and will turn my nose up at sugar / processed foods and simply anything my body says ‘No to’. I only have Pilates to thank for this.

Complex PTSD

I can't avoid sharing and writing about ‘Why was I addicted to so many substances that could have taken my life?’ Through my search for answers, I finally found out ‘what was wrong with me’. I had many diagnosis from GPs / psychologists and councillors - mainly borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression, addictive personality. Through innovations in neuropsychology I now know I never had any of these.

I simply had CPTSD

My mum had Munchausen’s by Proxy. With CPTSD our memories are photographic. Always medicated with prescription drugs from birth and I was frequently injured violently and abusively to gain attention from hospitals and the police. I recall her hammering a nail in my hand and her contacting the hospital and said ‘she fell on it’. We lived in a caravan in a poor village and soon the local authorities began to visit mum concerned that I never went to school, had frequent hospital admissions and numerous injuries and bruises. Mum made money by selling her body for sex with the local police officer, welfare officer, milkman and even the GP all came ‘to rescue me’ But inevitably ending up in the bed with mum. I spent my early years under the caravan hiding from abusers. My only comfort was stray cats that used to keep me warm. No words can describe the horrific abuse I received and common with CPTSD I believed I deserved it.I wasn't allowed to go to school but taught myself to read and write and with help from nurses when I was hospitalised or with staff in the police stations, when mum had left me unfed /neglected.

She died aged 38 and I was 15. I felt free and could finally attend school once put into foster care. My foster family showed me no love made it clear they took me in for money. They were disturbed I cried a lot so took me to the GP and started antidepressants. School was supportive and one headmistress recognised my abuse. The first person in my life that showed kindness. Despite no schooling I gained 7 O levels which meant I could pursue a career in nursing. Of course, I now know I chose this vocation as the nurses had shown kindness and I felt safe in hospitals.But my nervous system was damaged. CPTSD is now known as a brain injury. I had no idea what emotions were and was always ‘in pain’. I learned to regulate my nervous system in the only way I knew - medication, alcohol, risky sex and food. I simply hated myself and have spent most of my life feeling worthless, unwanted, guilty and had no idea how to connect with people. I had no idea about boundaries, and I lived in fear.Self soothing with substances is typical of CPTSD. Trauma survivors have no idea what a normal nervous system feels like. I have lived in fight / flight / freeze / fawn / flop from birth.I had decades of counselling and therapy and was desperate to feel normal. I knew I was different. Thankfully therapy is changing, and I now have the correct treatment, which is trauma-based therapy and EMDR. My nervous system still gets unregulated daily, but my wellness journey means I can use my many healthy tools that I now promote to regulate my nervous system..